I'm having very mixed feelings. Apparently I'm feeling kinda down and out, but once again put on a smile put on a front. And selfish me expects people to be around me to hear me out, hear me whine. Coincidently or not, none of the selected few managed to find out about my story. Calls were unanswered, people were occupied, some probably asleep. I know not and don't need to.

Okay then again I'm not exactly what one may say "disturbed". I'm just well worried I guess. Worried what kind of shit I may have to go through in search and in search, should tommorrow be the last, or what kind of shit I have to go through for the next 3 weeks, and whether I have to go through the 9 weeks 365 days later.

And I don't think I was bad. enough.

And my withdrawal symptoms are bad. Enough to disgust myself. But I tell myself fucking nope, it must be because of what happened today. Don't lose yourself to what you pride never to become.

But I love you. And you and you and you. Even if I act like a bitch sometimes, or become a whiny ass. Just still love me everyone.

Even if I cannot number crunch.