The impossible dream | sleep

It was cold in SR4.4 School of Economics and Social Science. I decided to pop over to the Kopitam to buy a teh C at 9pm. Of course, I am on caffeine high.

Only 2 words. Sibei cham. 1.37am and I cannot sleep. How to work tomorrow?

But have to try lar. Guess re-reading the mandarin coursework should help. Will try now.

P.S. Dad says the yen keeps going up. Not likely my Canon DSLR price will drop in a years time. How? *ponders over the thought of the many other things i need to buy*

Night.

The November Splurge

Remember my one luxury item a month? I've decided to buy a DSLR for November and learn photography for real. It has been something I have talked about on and off but had done nothing about. Time to get down to it and make it real. If I can go for business mandarin lessons, there is nothing else I cannot do.

I don't know which model, or even which brand, but I'm pretty set on it. So once my other half comes home, I will get him to go along with me, which is like a bit of a happy birthday present to myself as well.

Non obligatory non pressurising tip for those who wants to buy me a present but have no idea what - you can contribute to my DSLR fund. Non monetary contributors can also contribute in suggestions and tips. I don't want to spend a bomb, but don't want to get a piece of crap. What are the must have accessories etc will be good.

Who says people should stop spending in times like this? Just have to take a cautious approach, that's all!

The Laws of Attraction

Excerpts from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A more modern consensus among New Thought thinkers is that the Law of Attraction says people's thoughts (both conscious and unconscious) dictate the reality of their lives, whether or not they're aware of it. Essentially "if you really want something and truly believe it's possible, you'll get it", but putting a lot of attention and thought onto something you don't want means you'll probably get that too.

Many modern proponents say that the Law of Attraction has roots in Quantum Physics, though no reputable scientist or publication ever supported the alleged scientific credentials of this theory. According to proponents of this law, thoughts have an energy that attracts like energy. In order to control this energy, proponents state that people must practice four things:

1. Know what you want.
2. Ask the universe for it.
3. Feel and behave as if the object of your desire is on its way.
4. Be open to receiving it.

Gonna try it?

Things that need to be done vs things I wish will get done by itself

Things that need to be done:

Sort out wedding venue
Decide on wedding date
Find a wedding dress
Sit and wait to be screamed at by my wedding planner
Work very hard to make more money to pay for things and people to solve my problem for me
Lose weight
Spend less time doing redundant things online
Study mandarin

plus lots more.

lalala

no more shopping for a while.

A Splurge A Month.

Working is hard enough. It is important to self reward. Since June 2008, I have implemented a buy a gift for myself once a month, (excluding impulsive and/or inexpensive buys, or necessities). These once a months are things I usually will not buy, and may or may not be expensive. Should it be expensive this month, I will need self motivation to buy something less dear the next (or alternatively, work harder to get more commission to make it up).

So far my buys have been:

June: Bonia red shoes
July: Longchamp bag
Aug: 2 FCUK shirts
Sep: Braun Buffel wallet + my Hokkaido trip loots
Oct: Coach wristlet (although it's not yet time, but I have ordered it from NYC already!)

It's great to look forward to a splurge a month because I believe (at least in my line), the more you spend the more you earn! Ambitions and goals help.

Next up is digital SLR camera for my birthday month, but that I am not sure yet if I am up for learning the new skill. ;)

I survived!

I pulled off my Audrey Hepburn's breakfast at Tiffany look with the dress I intended to wear for ROM but was black, hence rejected by everyone; the pretty gloves I bought in London without any intention and idea of where to use; the cheap costume jewellery which apparently, some of my colleagues thought were part of my si dian jing (4 pieces of gold); and best of all - I pulled off the singing performance! All these days of practicing using my diaphragm were all worth it - it's not the same playing an instrument and singing.

And I am now back from Hokkaido where I had a lot of fun. Now for work to start all over again. Boo!

Annoucement

Even though this may not be big news, I just want to say that I am generally very very happy with my life now. I got a wonderful flat with great happy tenants and a good ROI, a happy family who gets along with the husband, and the best husband in the world. I have passed the trials of the beginnings of each job, the months of anxiety and frustration is now over and I am starting to cruise. My boss has high hopes on me and I am eager to be groomed. I think I found the right job for myself!

Thanks for all my tolerant friends who have stuck by me through the good and the bad. My personality test result may tell me that I am someone who is eager to please and love for everyone to love me, but I think they are slightly wrong there. I am eager to please and love those who I think I want to love and please very very much. The rest will be treated like Newater.

Having said that, kudos to all, and may this smooth sail after so long be with me for a while.

Guest bloggin

I made a guest appearance at my husband's one year never update blog! Read about my latest eating fest here!

I kana arrow to sing at the group (note: not Singapore branch, but the entire group) D&D in Hokkaido! Wah rau going to malu in front of the entire PSG! :(

Now I am taking my own vocal lessons on youtube. You want me to do then I do until swee swee for you ah*!

* disclaimer: to my best ability only. definition of swee swee is subjective

Random few points to bring up

While having a bonding lunch with my roommate for my upcoming Hokkaido trip, I shared, you know, some background of myself. After I was done, she simply said, "aye, you really don't look like that sort. I must stop typecasting people".

And the reason she gave was the manicured nails and the clothes I wear. So cute. My boss's boss , whilst giving me a lift home one day, confessed that when she interviewed me, she felt that I didn't seem like the type of person who has gone through a lot and will be able to chiong hard for the job; ie, she was not sure if I will be able to make it

And the reason she gave was, cos I am such an ah nia. When I told her I came from y0ur friendly neighbourhood secondary school and have friends who are (or married) people who are typical ah bengs that sells second-hand mobiles at TPY and drive a Suba-lu, again - 'don't look like le'. I tell her I lived in backpackers and B&Bs, she gasps. And when I said I left Singapore to Europe to live a new life and discard the useless baggage of a person, she didn't believe it.

Part of my job is to remain neutral to everyone, yet it is so easy, so easy, to simply look at a resume and go... aiyo, job hopper - delete. wah lau, asking for the sky, english cannot make it, don't call him up. But what I forgot is, they are someone's father who need to be fed too. So I will keep a mental note to myself not to fall into the trap of pigeon-holing individuals (down to their blood group).

However, on a separate note, while helping one of my closest friends delibrate about her career crossroad (I'm glad I had the capacity to provide some insights ;>), I remembered something I read somewhere...

Companies never make a single person indispensible. Even all the CXOs of MNCs get axed but the company goes on. If one day you fall dead on the ground, the company may suffer the lost of a talent and potentially a significant earning, but in a short turnaround time, there will be someone to take over your post (that is why we need Headhunters!) and everyone moves on. Yet it will be your family - your children spouse parent friends relatives - that will suffer eternally by your lost. So why the hell do people sell their lives to the company and not spend more time with your loved ones?

I have been spreading this love message around (my office too) to remind everyone that really, time and tide wait for no man. I don't want to be a superwoman. I want my children to love me as their mother, who is always there for them, and not one who goes home at 10pm but buys them anything in the world.

Hope it gets into you too. Cheers.

wait for the professional pictures ok? but yes, i'm happy! x

opportunity cost

getting hitched is one of my greatest joy (after all it is the greatest guy ever), tho having said that the opportunity cost that comes along with it is not the easiest to swallow.

like how will i be able to accept a job overseas that requires me to stay for not a month or two, but at least a year or two to see the branch office grow? it's great opportunity in a city that i will love to live, and i can experience starting up, which will not be a bed of roses, very challenging, but it could be fun, and definitely very very satisfying. but at this point a week into becoming a missus, it's a bit tough.

shrugs. life as an adult is all about making decisions isn't it? i am just at the beginning of this new journey of compromising and giving things up. when i have the little ones of my own, i betcha there will be much more to give up for, and when one looks back at the mid twenties times, will think, aiya, what small sacrifice was that man? look at me now....

while all this adultish decisions and ideas are real annoying, i guess in a large way, i'm glad that at least i am no longer a spiteful 21 year old, and have more capacity to look at things in a brighter, wide opened light. still not enough, i know, still years of experience to becoming more and more woman, in work and at home, but at least i come to acknowledge, and is no longer the i-think-i-know-it-all. seriously, teenage years are the hardest to live through, all the i'm old enough to think and look back in simply a few months to realise how childish he/she has been. so painful to watch, but so forgivable. i'm glad i survived and now look forward to the things in life worth having a cheer about.

10 more days!

Felt like the biggest of all achievement when I finalised the venue and dinner menu yesterday. (Apparently we paid for the deposit and didn't even sign the contract and the banquet manager was quite appalled!)

"What about guestbook? Wedding favours? Where is your dress?"

"...... erm ......."

*rolls eyes*

Like what Ping said - it seem all too adultish and not fun. Like, choosing the tiles of the house, the floor, the colour of the kitchen and even the lights has already been a feat - our house is almost ready ok! But about the dress... I'd go find it today! How, no black no this no that.

And I have to find a wedding favour that represents us:

C: eat a lot, love pork
H: loves travelling and shopping

The conclusion came up to something of the likes of air pork, which I dismissed immediately.

How har, anyone got any idea where to find this favour within 10 days? hehehe

Random

Whilst having the typical dinner with M in the typical girls bitching and gossip session (very late because of work again!), this kaypoh guy who was sitting near us eavesdrop into our conversation while she was talking about her experience with English boys who did not understand that being Chinese doesn't mean we come from China, he popped in to boast about his psychology degree and his take on the situation. Definitely uncalled for. Obviously he concluded we girls must be thirsty and will join him for a drink, but what his psychology degree did not teach him is that women do reject man who eavesdrop and break the bitching session for NO APPARENT REASON. And that even though he thinks he is charming to slide in on us in mid sentence, he isn't. Really.

He then proceed to ask about our occupations, made comments about it, asked me where does a sale take place (as a sales person - his answer was his finger pointing to his brain) taking the opportunity to boast about how he can do 5 times better than Asians, and life is more than about bitching about weird boys who pick us up in Europe. Which of course explains why he is currently on MC nursing a mild stroke which was due to stress (I should really be sympathetic, but my lack of EQ disallows that). Indeed indeed, life is definitely more interesting to him than bitching about weird boys who pick us up in Europe. And he even wanted to comment on my relationship status, having seen the ring on my finger, and asked me why did I choose to get married, when was the last time I said I love you to him. Luckily even with my apparent inability to answer the question about sales properly, I could shut him up by saying it was exactly 16 minutes ago when I last said I love you and I am marrying him because I love him.

Honestly, I think that the confused bloke who don't understand that Chinese may not technically be from China has a better chance of snagging a girl with that pick up line than his psychology degree and him telling 2 asians he is 5 times better than asians in sales.

My house is near completion!

I may be having a life soon again!

The Outback

Such a great trip and so much to say. In brief, 4WDs, adventure tours, waterfalls after waterfalls, camping out in the open, both wet and dry, mosquitoes aplenty, saw snake eating a frog, found out that licking a frog can give you the same high as magic mushrooms. More 4WDs, bumping dirt roads for hours, barbecues, aboriginal cave paintings.

Yes, aboriginals. We don't know much about them, and didn't quite care, nor could have that much information since it is not in our face. So I found from my Aussie friends, that since the whites arrived and figured that even though there were hundreds of thousands of these people, they did not have a recognizable system of government, and them being nomads, have no permanent settlements, land ownerships, and so decided to claim the land and drove these people out. Balance between nature and human which is their very basis of survivor got disturbed. When these Aboriginals try to fight back and hurt a tiny number of whites, they enforced 'laws' on them. State took away children of mixed parentage, and even into the 1960s, it was common for them to 'own' one, working in the day and being tied up and fed scraps at night.

So in the territory, legislations set up, then dumped - policies replaced policies, but pretty much nothing much has changed.

Who are they to dictate what these others (who were there first) can or cannot do, should they have proper jobs, or not. If they are happy living in the bushland and keeping their hunting and gathering ways, why are we stopping them?

Yet the equilibrium has already been destroyed thanks to the alcohol and drugs. Women now are receiving ends of domestic violence and child molestation is considered normal so long that 60 year old finds the 13 year old a potential wife, it's alright to shag.

So these whites can't sit around and do nothing, can they? How can they allow people to do whatever they want? But how can they make these people, socially awkward if not given proper chance of assimilation, do what is right in their own opinion, without consulting their own?

It's indeed real tough, and they jolly well do something real quick. If the rest of the states can do it, NT can too.

Blonde, fat (but not as fat as now), tanned, poor, clueless but with tons and tons of time at hand...

Miss those days when we did nothing but travel every weekend, and indulge in the beauty of the strength of the Sing $$.

Not the mad cow chasing the rat marathon we are running every day. Complain about the heat and stress and growing fatter (not so much in savings). Increased equity, but similarly increased in liabilities.

Turn the time back please. Back to 2004. Back to Siam, where 350b rooms with yellow faded paint and floral dusty curtains and ceiling fans did nothing to deter us.

That ain't no Etch A Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet.
- "Juno"

Andrew Lloyd Webber says, he will do a sequel to the phantom leh!

I think this is worthy of a trip to the West End again. Woohoo!

On a separate note, can't wait to go to the Top End of the Northern Territory. 13 days and a-counting!

Accomplished

Well accomplished weekend despite us both being sick. Went down to IMM and got so many things done!

Updates to the Huiton house:

- Homogeneous tiles ordered - will start work soonish, like next week for the living room.
- Room laminate flooring chosen, cement screeching should have completed
- Kitchen design out, to finalise the material and nitty grits - I'd be having a red and black kitchen! Imagine red and black shiny shiny with all the cool cutting edge looking kettles and pots.

Went to Sim Siang Choon and bought:

- Water heater tank (30l) to power up for 2 toilets and sinks
- Sink and Tap
- Toilet paper holder
- Backside spray (beside the toilet bowl one :p)
- Hob and hood

Think it was cool to like look up at the designs, think about how this will match that and also 'that tap looks kinda cool'. Good thing CT decided against his beautiful 4 hobs. When you don't cook, get so many hobs for what! So we settle for 2, and it's black and shiny with metallic outline to match the sink, which is a big metallic thing. And a nice hood (chimney style.) Stylo right!



And a Samsung fridge. Not too big, just good for 2 pax.

Also, paid the deposit for the ROM venue. The Manager has changed 2 times since we were there the first time - hope the restaurant won't be gone before we ROM man!

Plus over the week, I have collected my Bulgari wedding band, and decided on my photographer for the ROM dinner! Good that things are falling into the right places. This is such an exhausting, time consuming and mentally draining testing period. Especially when I have to work late every night somemore. It's really all about spending money to solve the problems. Well, outsourcing for efficiency I guess. At least it'd be over in another 2 months time.

Then we will look at our bank book and cry.

But it's okay lar. We can do it!

Sorry

Didn't mean to implicate the other parties that shouldn't be involved. My deepest apologies to you, and you.

Tis been a while...

since I got home this early to nobody. I like to peace and quiet and the me time I get occasionally.

It infuriates me to the max when people press my hot buttons. Not like I don't get enough crap at work dealing with humans every single day. I have to deal with someone who owes me a grand total of 4 grand, returning me in installment plan with no interest rate, pathetically at $100 a month, paying a month and skipping half a year. After these years, the amount stays at 1.6 grand unpaid.

Someone who will be educating our children in the future.

Someone who, instead of paying up, insist on seeing what he has owed to know 'what he is paying for'... when in the first place, he hasn't been paying back much! And I am supposed to have a spreadsheet to account for all that.

And during which, in 2006, when I conveniently left to reside in another continent, the repayment automatically stopped till I barked.

Every Chinese new year when I am told to return whoever the money I owe, I think of the small fortune I left out in the open to a man who do not respect the lender - not getting any interest simply because I feel lesser a person for doing so - and it just kills me. At least if one is superstitious enough, you will believe that it will come back to you. I don't even wish to use the harsh R word.

But what makes me stronger is knowing that thankfully, I got out. Not as fast as I should, but. And even if the bling that sits on my finger does not necessarily mean I have it all, at least it is comforting to know that the man that sleeps next to me is a mature, responsible, dependable man who bothered to crack his head to think of ways to ask me for my hand.

And at least he can afford it.

There is absolutely nothing better than 3 words for him:

Shame on you.

Be Strong

I trampled over an old friend's blog. One whom we never met again, or speak much, after living in the same room for 4 months together 5 years ago.

Because of this fact, I feel intrusive to simply pick up the phone or msn or even the random comment on the blog to tell her this, but I feel for you too.

Reading her past few entries were like deja vu to me. There were one too many times that I felt I was never going to ever, ever be okay again. I will never live my life not remembering how painful those feelings are. That it will never heal.

And it never heals completely. It never will. I don't think I will be able to live my life and pretend that part of my life never exist. The feeling comes back and you feel the hurt and pain again and you sometimes cry over it. My partner has learned to accept that this pain has made me who I am now, and he lives with it, and lived through it before as well, like many others. But it can only turn better. It will become better.

Have a little faith, and let time tell. It will.

I have e-filed my marriage!

My singlehood officially ends 260708.

Update:

Keys to be collected in 5 days time.
Rings chosen
Venue picked
Date arranged

So exciting

Money woes

Having the feeling of lottery with the 00005 without actually winning the moolahs but suddenly sinking into a more than 300k loan is no joke. On top of that, all I think about is my kitchen where to put my dining table should i buy a top or front load washing machine what tiles for the floor of the living room dark laminated flooring for the room and are we going to knock the kitchen door down?

Besides, I have a more than full time job that sucks up my time and energy. So, it is quite a lot to handle.

I almost forgot. I have to concurrently think about the dress and the venue.

Haiyo. What a blissful problem I have.

Transcend

Love can do that.

For the lack of updates

Life has been about settling back down. Left Singapore after coming back for 3 days to a extended holiday in Thailand with Jason, who I hope is doing well in London now. Job search was a quickie - when I came back I knew there was only 2 ways for me to head - Banking or Recruiting. I went to 2 different recruitment firm, chose one, and my life back in Singapore started for real.

Looking back at the chances I have given up - to live in another city, continue to lead this traveller's lifestyle, I guess it will be impossible to say that nope there is no regrets. You always look back and feel envious of the life you could have had. But there is just too many 'what-ifs' in my life.

It was fun but because you knew it wasn't permanent - and so it is hard to feel it to take ownership of it to be part of it. I am just a soul in a big city I do not belong to. Sure I have fun, sure I think it's a great city, but the lack of commitment brings about too, a lack of belonging.

But at least I am not lost now. I have found my direction. It's not really a calling, but it is something I have confidence to do well and build my life around. I don't like to settle for mediocrity. I don't need to be the golden girl, but I cannot be like everyone else.

And of course, since he is stuck here. I sort of have to stick around. I don't mind.